"Competitive salary"

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join our fast-paced team"

We have no time to train you.

"Problem solving skills are a must"

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Casual work atmosphere"

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Requires team leadership skills"

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Must be deadline oriented"

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some overtime required"

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"Duties will vary"

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Good communication skills"

Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"Must have an eye for detail"

We have no quality control.

"Career-minded"

Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No phone calls please"

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"

The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"

I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm a passionate user of IT"

I'm a social-media addict

"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"

I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes"

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work"

I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable"

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'm extremely professional"

I carry a Day-Timer.

"I'm adaptable"

I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'm on the go"

I'm never at my desk.